Last week, on a flight home from Denver, I watched something that perfectly illustrates why so many leaders fail during challenging moments.
A woman in first class completely lost it because someone from the back of the plane used “her” bathroom. She screamed at the person, berated the flight attendant, and disrupted the entire cabin—all over a bathroom.
When I witnessed this, I wasn’t just seeing one person having a bad day. I was seeing the exact same pattern that destroys crisis responses, ruins organizational transformations, and turns moments of potential breakthrough into complete breakdowns.
I was watching someone who’d forgotten the most fundamental truth about being human.
The Illusion That’s Costing Us Everything
Here’s the truth that’s destroying leadership: We’ve all been conditioned to believe that separateness is real.
We operate as if we’re isolated individuals competing for limited resources, fighting for our territory, protecting our piece of the pie. During challenging moments—whether it’s organizational change, stakeholder resistance, or crisis management—our instinct is to separate, control, deflect, and defend.
But here’s what science tells us, and what the most effective leaders understand:
Separateness is an illusion.
The evidence is overwhelming:
- Quantum physics: We are all energy, and energy has no boundaries
- Neuroscience: Social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain—disconnection literally hurts
- Biology: Your heart’s electromagnetic field extends multiple feet beyond your body, overlapping with others’ energy fields
- Psychology: Mirror neurons fire when you observe others’ emotions because you’re wired to feel what they feel, creating empathy
We are not separate. We never were. We are all connected, and connection is healing.
The Cost of Operating from Separateness
Look at any failed leadership response and you’ll find the illusion of separateness at its core:
Wells Fargo’s fraud crisis: Instead of connecting with affected customers, they created distance through blame and deflection. The result? $3+ billion in fines, 102 billion in lost market value, and ongoing regulatory caps eight years later. Not to mention that this whole crisis happened in the first place because Wells Fargo’s leadership bought into the “us vs. them” mentality, which is separateness at its finest.
Peloton’s pandemic response: Rather than connecting with their community during unprecedented change, they operated from scarcity and separation. The result? Their stock dropped 94%, they had 4,000+ layoffs, and needed to completely restructure their business model.
Boeing’s 737 Max crisis: When Boeing’s leadership prioritized shareholder profits over passenger safety and 346 human lives were lost, instead of connecting with the families who lost loved ones and acknowledging the depths of their mistake, they maintained distance and focused on legal protection. The result? More pain and suffering for those experiencing the loss of loved ones, billions in fines, ongoing lawsuits, damaged reputation, and continued regulatory scrutiny.
Every failed crisis response, every leadership breakdown, every missed opportunity during change traces back to leaders unconsciously (or worse, consciously) operating from this illusion.
The Leaders Who Get It Right
Now contrast that with leaders who understood connection as strategy:
Airbnb during the 2020 travel collapse didn’t abandon their hosts when their industry was devastated—they deepened their relationships. They created relief funds, adapted their platform, and treated hosts as partners, not vendors. They recovered faster than competitors and emerged stronger.
Jacinda Ardern during the pandemic called her country “our team of 5 million” and led with heart-centered honesty while maintaining strategic clarity. New Zealand achieved the lowest global death rates and the highest public trust in government the country had ever seen.
Johnson & Johnson during the Tylenol crisis put connection and human safety above short-term financial concerns. Instead of destroying their brand, they created profound trust that lasted decades, even amidst a devastating tragedy.
The difference? These leaders knew that connection IS the strategy.
Why This Changes Everything for You
When you understand that separateness is an illusion, everything shifts.
While other leaders create division during difficult moments, you get to consciously create unity. While others build walls to protect themselves, you get to build bridges that transform the situation for the better. While the world operates from the separateness that created problems in the first place, you get to lead from connection that heals everything.
Here’s your competitive advantage: Everyone you’re leading is wired for connection and is craving it, especially during challenging moments.
Their resistance? It’s actually a cry for connection. Their fear? It’s seeking safety through relationship. Their anger? It’s pain from feeling disconnected.
When you show up as the leader who creates genuine connection rather than more separateness, you become the person others instinctively trust when everything feels uncertain.
How to Practice This Starting Today
1. Start noticing the pattern. Look around your workplace, your industry, your community. Spot where people create separateness versus connection during challenging moments. How does each approach make people feel? What are the different results?
2. Practice in lower-stakes situations first. The next time you’re in a disagreement and want to defend, attack, or withdraw, pause. Take three breaths. Choose connection as your strategy instead. Notice how much faster you reach resolution—and the quality of that resolution.
3. Make connection your crisis and change-leading strategy. During your next challenging moment—whether it’s team conflict, stakeholder resistance, or organizational change—ask yourself: “How do I create deeper connection here?” instead of “How do I control this situation?”
The world isn’t as broken as it appears. We’re not as separate as we think. And you have more power to create meaningful change than you’ve ever realized.
The question is: Will you be the leader who remembers our fundamental connection when everyone else has forgotten?
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If this resonated with you, know this:
This is the work we do inside the Crisis Ready® Certification.
It’s where purpose-driven leaders develop the presence, self-awareness, and embodied skills to make connection their core strategy for navigating change—not by controlling outcomes, but by transforming them from the inside out.
If you’re ready to become the leader who creates unity when others create division—this is your pathway.
👉 Explore the Certification here: https://crisisreadycertification.com/
Founder and CEO of the Crisis Ready Institute, Melissa Agnes is the author of Crisis Ready: Building an Invincible Brand in an Uncertain World, and a leading authority on crisis preparedness, reputation management, and brand protection. Agnes is a coveted keynote speaker, commentator, and advisor to some of today’s leading organizations faced with the greatest risks. Learn more about Melissa and her work here.
